


How to Train a Meister for Practical Detective Work

by perch



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-20
Updated: 2009-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-04 16:30:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/32209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perch/pseuds/perch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trio and their weapons get some practical training in detective work or at least it seems practical to Shinigami. Crackfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Train a Meister for Practical Detective Work

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kajiba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kajiba/gifts).



** _How to Train a Meister for Practical Detective Work_ **

**Scene 1: Murder at the Oddly Constructed Unused School Building.**  
Maka stared up at the run down house on the edge of Death City. In her hand was a red envelope. By her side was her partner Soul with an identical envelope. They walked into the weirdly flickering house and were greeted by Sid, their teacher.

"Don't move from that spot," he said, holding up one hand.

They hesitated for a second, Soul slouching into a pose and Make standing erectly.

"We're here for the extra lesson," Maka said, holding out her red envelope. "Though I'm confused as to why...".

Sid cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"Don't worry, it'll be explained once everyone gets here."

They stood there, Maka trying not to pluck her skirt nervously. She was never good with surprise extra assignments she always worried that it was because she was lacking as a student. Behind them the door opened, but got stuck as they were in the way.

"You can move to the right," Sid said, ushering in Kid, Liz and Patti and positioning them to the left of the door.

Soon after Kirikou with Thunder and Fire, Kim and Jackie and Ox and his partner Harver were also gathered in the front hall uncomfortably squished together and sweating slightly.

"Sid-sensei, we can't breathe," Maka said, pushing someone's elbow from her kidney.

"We're still waiting on Black Star," Sid explained, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Oy Black Star, hurry up," Soul called, his face lightly crushed into a wall. "This is not cool."

From the shadows they heard the familiar mantra of their classmate.

"Rule one! An assassin must be concealed by darkness, stilling their breathing and seeking a direct path to their target," the voice echoed over their heads and the kids let out a collected groan of pain.

"Rule two! An assassin must know their target, guess their movements and their thoughts!" the voice continued, rising with excitement.

"Stupid, who are you going to assassinate?" Ox said, trying to adjust his glasses.

"Rule three! Defeat the target before he becomes aware of your presence!" The voice announced!

"Too late!" the group yelled.

From the shadows jumped a figure in white and black, holding up one end of his kusari-gama and yelling 'wahoo'. The pile of students burst forward and tumbled into him and Sid put one hand to his face.

People rubbed various parts and pieces and glared at Black Star. From the hall the distinct sound of wheels could be heard. Out of the shadows Dr. Stein rolled forward, looking at each set of Meister and Weapon.

"Now that you're all here, we can get started," Stein began. "Does everyone have their envelopes?"

Around him each team held up envelopes: purple, green, white, yellow and blue. Maka and Soul's red ones adding to the rainbow.

"Very good, the extra lesson can now start," Sid said, "you're all here to uncover a murder."

The students glanced at each other; anticipation and nervousness touching on various faces.

"Who was murdered?" Maka asked.

"Me." Sid pointed to himself.

"But we already know who killed you, it was Stein," Soul mentioned.

"That was the last time," Stein interjected. "Now follow me," he said, rolling back into the darkness. The kids followed, their apprehension growing by the second.

**Scene 2: The Pieces are Assembled, The Rules are Explained and the Game is Afoot!**  
They gathered into what might have been a storehouse at one time, when it had boxes. Sid walked to a large mirror and wrote in a number for Death.

Shinigami popped into view, bouncing back and forth.

"Hello students!" He said, waving one large rubbery foam hand at them all. "How are you all doing tonight?"

"We're here for our lesson," Maka said, "Though Sid-sensei said it was to murder him and that's not allowed."

"It's not going to be a real murder," Soul said, slouching against a wall nearby.

"Right you are Soul!" Shinigami said, clapping. "We're going to play a game to help build your detective skills!"

"But why am I here?" Ox asked, "I've got straight A's on all my assignments and have never had practical problems on my hunts."

"Because then we'd have an odd number!" Shinigami explained.

"We could use Crona," Maka suggested, relaxing slightly at the thought of it being a game.

The others groaned.

"Crona is depressing," Black Star said to Soul. Maka glared at him and he responded in kind.

"Then the number would be odd!" Shinigami stated, "We only have six pieces."

Sid stepped in and held up his hands.

"Here are the rules:

1\. Everyone is a suspect. One of you is the murderer. It's up to the rest of you to figure out who did it.   
2\. Everyone gets to walk around and try to figure out who killed me. You can investigate all the rooms in the house, but only once per room so make sure you look thoroughly.   
3\. After an hour everyone will be assembled into this room and will announce who they think did it. People who guessed right get an A. People who guessed wrong don't.   
You need to find out who killed me, where they did it and with what object. To keep people from cheating there will be teachers walking around."

With this several adults walked into the room.

"I'm the butler," Stein announced from his chair.

"I'm the maid," Death Scythe said, waving at Maka who ignored him. "Maka honey, doesn't daddy look cute in his apron?"

"Negative," Maka said, turning up her nose.

Death Scythe looked crushed and held up his arms to his daughter.

"I'll be the cook!" Marie announced cutting him off, holding up a tea pot and winking with her one good eye.

"I'll be the nurse," Neigus said.

"Why would we need a nurse?" Kirikou asked. Neigus simply smiled through her bandages, which was echoed by the other adults. The kids collectively looked uncomfortable.

"Each of you has an envelope with a sealed card inside," Stein continued. "For those of you who haven't looked yet, now is the time to. It'll give you a list of weapons, rooms and people that you personally know weren't involved in the murder. Clues will be scattered around the building to help you figure out the rest. No one is allowed to talk to each other or share information."

"What happens if we do?" Soul asked.

"Automatic failure," Stein responded, "And detention with me."

"Right, you have your assignments, I'm going to go be dead over there," Sid said, waving his hand over at a desk with a newspaper opened to the sports section.

"Good luck!" Shinigami said, waving at them all.

**Scene 3: Black Star in the Kitchen with the Turkey**  
Black Star made a beeline for the kitchen, ignoring the other rooms.

"Black Star, shouldn't we look for clues?" Tsubaki asked.

"I'm hungry, we'll investigate the kitchen first," Black Star announced, "Besides I'm the star, I have to come in last."

"What if they don't have food in the kitchen?" Tsubaki asked.

"It's a kitchen."

"No one uses this building though."

Black Star made a straight line for the refrigerator, grunting with satisfaction when he saw the turkey leg. He pulled it off the plate and started chewing while Tsubaki looked around the room.

"According to our envelope, we know that White couldn't have been the murderer and it didn't happen in the study or library," she said as she started opening cupboards.

"Who's white?" Black Star asked.

"We are," Tsubaki said, holding up her envelope.

"You kept yours? I threw mine away."

"Yes, I know, I got it back for you." Tsubaki pulled out a second envelope.

"Well whatever, of course we couldn't be the killers, I'm the star!"

"It's odd though, I can't find a murder weapon," said Tsubaki, opening the last of the cupboards.

"What kind of kitchen doesn't have knives?" asked Black Star.

"There's nothing here though," Tsubaki stated, opening the fridge. "Empty too...except...".

Black Star finished the last bite of turkey off the bone, cracking the end to suck on the marrow.

"Black Star!" Tsubaki cried.

"What? Did you want some? You should have said something," Black Star said, letting out a belch.

"No, you ate the murder weapon!"

"A Turkey leg? Who would get murdered with a turkey leg?" Black Star said, jumping onto the table to throw back his head and laugh and laugh and laugh until he was clutching his stomach.

"Oy Tsubaki, I don't feel too good," he groaned.

"Maybe it was poisoned?" Tsubaki cried, "I'll get Neigus-sensei!"

**Scene 4: The Practical Problems with Symmetry **  
Kid, Liz and Patty walked into the hall and stopped. The others flooded around them.

"Kid, we should get going too," Liz said.

"Wait, I have to ask a question." Kid turned to look in the room, "Sid-sensei I have a question."

"I'm technically dead," Sid said, not looking up from his newspaper.

"Yes, but you were before."

"You have a point, I'll answer one question because that's the kind of man I was."

"What number am I?" Kid asked.

"Excuse me?" said Sid, lowering his newspaper.

"What number am I in announcement order? I'm a purple envelope, but I was wondering what number I am in order."

"Is that important?"

"Very."

"Uh let's see here," Sid held up a piece of paper. "You're sixth, so last."

"Are you sure?" Kid asked, starting to get agitated.

"Yes, there are only six players."

"Why aren't there eight?"

"We only had rules for six, so we made it six."

"But six is a shitty number, it isn't symmetrical. Eight is a glorious number! It's supremely beautiful and cuts perfectly!"

"Kid, it's fine, six is a good number," Liz began, eyeing Kid warily.

Patti laughed hysterically in the corner, "We're six, we're six!"

Sid looked at them and Liz quietly closed the door.

"Kid, calm down there's only six players, it's okay."

"But six! Where's the symmetry? There's no symmetry in this game!"

"Calm down, let's go look at a room," Liz suggested, guiding him forward.

"And why aren't you two symmetrical! You're sisters! Look more like your guns!"

Patti continued to laugh as she pushed open the first door on their right. Inside was the billiard room. Kid's eyes lit up as he surveyed his surroundings, basking in the perfect symmetry of the billiard rack, the table, the balls. Then he noticed, out of the corner of his eye, a crooked painting. Next came the measuring tape and he was lost.

Liz rolled her eyes.

"Come on Patti, let's go look around, Kid's going to be useless for hours and we only have 47 minutes left."

"Okay!" Patti shouted, saluting. Behind them Kid muttered to himself while he measured and adjusted, beside him sat their three envelopes, untouched.

**Scene 5: Soul discovers a clue! Maka runs into a predicament.**  
Maka and Soul were systematically working on their third room. Maka had it scheduled to six minutes per room to give them the last six minutes to figure out who had done it, where and with what. So far after factoring in their cards and the clues (or lack thereof) in each room she had it narrowed down to two suspects.

And then Soul discovered the secret passage in the study.

"Hey Maka, check this out," Soul said, swinging the wall open.

"Soul! What do we do? This is going to ruin my schedule," she said, "And we don't have a flashlight."

Soul thought a moment, "Go through anyway or ask your idiot father for one?"

"Rejected," Maka's eyes thinned out. "I don't want to ask my idiot papa for help."

"Going in the dark without a flashlight is so not cool," Soul responded, "but I did find some matches."

"That'll work, let's go," Maka said, reaching out for the box.

"Seriously Maka, your dad's an idiot but...".

Behind them they heard footsteps.

"Come on, let's go before someone else discovers the passage."

And through the hole they went. Just as it closed Death Scythe opened the door.

"Maka honey? Daddy's here with a flashlight to help you...".

"Maka?"

Inside the tunnel they stumbled around, bumping their knees, scraping their elbows, burning their fingers and otherwise being uncomfortable. Finally they literally ran into a wall and heard some faint groans from the other side. Maka opened the passage warily, Soul posed to transform if needed.

On the table before them lay Black Star, groaning and clutching his stomach. Tsubaki was nowhere in sight. Soul and Maka rushed to him.

"Black Star what's wrong?" Maka asked.

"Ugh, Turkey leg," Black Star muttered.

"What?" Maka asked.

"This?" Soul asked, holding up the offending, now meatless, leg.

"Ugh, what's that smell," Maka said, holding her nose. "Black Star did you eat that? It was probably bad."

"At least, it's not poisoned," he grunted.

"Not originally, sure," Soul said, dropping the bone back on the floor.

"Idiot," Maka scoffed.

Neigus came into the room with Marie, Stein and Tsubaki.

"Oh hello," Tsubaki said, waving to them while she helped the others get Black Star off the table.

"Feel better man," Soul said, slapping hands with Black Star.

Black Star held up his thumb.

Stein looked at Maka and Soul, their dirty knees and the state of the kitchen before rolling out of the room on his chair.

"Where are we?" Maka asked.

Soul peeked outside, "looks like we're in the other corridor."

"So it cuts underneath the building diagonally?"

"That's impractical."

"Hmmm I wonder if it happens in the opposite corners too...".

"Let's go find out, though seriously, we need to find a flashlight."

**Scene 6: In Which We Care About Everyone For Approximately Ten Lines**  
Kim and Jackie worked their way through the rooms, but failed to find any passages.

Ox and Harver found the passages, running into Maka and Soul at one point.

Kirikou had Thunder and Fire transform into weapons after the third time they got stuck, lost, or stuck and lost. He found one passage, but failed to find the other.

Liz and Patti accidentally found a secret passage, but without a flashlight Liz panicked and ran around screaming until finally Marie was able to catch her. Patti disappeared.

Kid continued to wrangle with the crooked picture and was oblivious to everything else.

Black Star managed to sneak out of his sick bed, find Kid, steal his cards, announce his triumph loudly and get caught by half the faculty for cheating.

Maka and Soul managed to search each room, but didn't have time to go over their clues.

No one cared that Death Scythe had an apron on.

**Scene 7: Who murdered the Zombie? The Conclusion of our Tale.**  
After an hour everyone except for Patti was assembled, carted and led to Sid's room. He'd just finished the funnies and was satisfied with the paper.

"Thank you all for coming," Sid said, "now let's begin."

"To start, this guy," Sid pointed to Black Star who was hanging from a peg against the wall, "is disqualified for cheating."

Everyone was unsurprised.

"These two," Sid pointed to Liz and Kid, "will be if Patti doesn't show up by their turn."

"Now starting with Red," Sid pointed to Maka.

Maka stood up smartly and made her announcement.

"Sid-sensei, I believe it was Purple, with the wrench, in the study."

"I think I need to measure it one more time," Kid muttered.

"Okay," Sid, looked at his list. "Next is Yellow."

Ox stepped forward. "I believe it was Purple, with the wrench, in the kitchen."

"The kitchen didn't have anything in it," Maka said.

"Precisely," Ox responded adjusting his glasses.

Maka's expression lit up and then grew dim.

"Alright, alright no explaining how yet. That's for your written papers later," Sid said. "White, oh yeah, white's disqualified."

Tsubaki covered her face with her hands. Black Star coughed limply on the wall.

"Green next."

Kirikou stepped forward.

"The Red card, with the rope, in the kitchen."

"Blue."

Kim and Jackie discussed amongst themselves for a frantic minute before Kim stepped forward.

"The White Card, in the kitchen, with the turkey leg!"

"Turkey leg? That's not a weapon," Maka said, "unless it was intentionally poisoned...".

Everyone turned to face the adults.

"Finally purple...".

"The painting," Kid mumbled, "I'm really just going to check!" and he reached for the door which slammed open to reveal Patti.

"It was Purple, in the billiard room, with the turkey leg!" she said, holding up the offending leg.

"Correct!" Sid announced.

"We won!" Liz shouted.

"Wait, Black Star ate the murder weapon!" Maka pointed out. "Doesn't that invalidate the entire investigation?"

"Technically it's tampering with evidence, which is something you might run into in a real detective case," Stein said. "Kid's team wins."

From the wall Black Star gave a thumbs up.

"Hey Tsubaki, I was the villain," he groaned.

"Maka chop!"

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my husband for his beta.


End file.
